Six-Month Neuro Check-Up

Kels had her six-month post-surgery check up today and it went very well. Her EEG showed no seizure activity at all, which is great! And her neuro discussed changing her from Keppra since Kels is so vehemently opposed to taking (as evidenced by her personal choice to discontinue her meds a few weeks ago!!). The new drug is Lyrica and it’s supposed to be well tolerated. Kel is excited to finally be off the Keppra that she nearly floated out of the neuro’s office.

I don’t mind saying that I’m a little nervous about changing meds, since the Keppra (in addition to the surgery) has been the first time in a very long time that we’ve have seizure control. I know that the game is different post-surgery, however it’s just hard to forget the years and years of medication failures. I am praying that this will work for her with few side-effects. Her neuro says that one of the most common effects is supposed to be some weight gain, but at 113 pounds, I’m not really concerned about that for her right now.

The girls are out of school now for the holidays. They were supposed to go to their father’s for Christmas, but didn’t want to. They chose to stay here for Christmas and then go over there for the weekend after, however, he didn’t care for that and was extremely vocal with them about it. After some heated discussion with them on the phone one night last week it was passed to me and I got the attitude. He told me that they had no choice in the matter, they HAD to come. I very calmly told him that he was mistaken – they DID have a choice. I told him that we always encourage them to see him when it’s his visitation, but that we don’t force them. He then claimed that there were plans that he had made for them for Christmas that they just didn’t understand. I asked him if he told them what those plans were (he is notorious for not telling them what’s going on) and he said no. So I asked him to share with me what the plans were and that I would let them know and encourage them to go. At which point he told me that it was none of my business. Yes, I said, it is my business if he would like for me to talk to them and encourage them to visit. His response was that it wasn’t their business either and that he wasn’t “getting into a pissing match” with me (???) and hung up on me.

Sometimes trying to be fair and do the right thing is just too hard some days. Geez.

Snow In Texas!!

I'm nearly 40 years old and a native Houstonian. I've only seen snow a handful of times in whole life (and a couple of those I flew north to see it!). So when it snowed this past week, I made sure that the girls were up to see and play in it.

Lessons Learned

Well, as you know we've been on seizure watch here at the ole' casa. There have been no more seizures since Wednesday, however, there have been frequent auras, which are little seizures in and of themselves. It's been a hard lesson for Kels, but one that I think she's learned well. The paralysis lasted nearly two days and because she bit her tongue all to pieces, it's been hard for her to talk and eat. I hate that she is suffering, but maybe it was for the best.

We're waiting to see that the meds get control again – seizures, auras, and all. If there's no control, then I can up her meds a little to gain it. She's been requesting that we keep the baby monitor on at night for just in case. And if Kels wants it, then we do it. She missed school last Thursday and Friday and as a result, lost a binder and a book in the shuffle from the classroom to the nurses' office so she's behind some in her classes. She was on the prayer list at church and there were tons of people asking about her this morning. She nearly bugged out of going to church because she knew she'd have to face people, but she did well answering their well wishes and how are you feelings.

It's been a long week. Next will be better, I know.

Our New Family Motto

Reason for the Seizure Season

I took Kels to the doctor this morning to rule out any infection that might have caused the seizures yesterday. Nothing. She has an acute case of sinusitis (as always – she is the allergy QUEEN!) but nothing else. We had some prescriptions for other meds to drop off, so while I was at the pharmacy, I asked for a print-out of all of Kels' meds from June so that I could update the copay sheet for the ex. I noticed with only half of my attention that the last time we refilled her Keppra was October 11. Huh. Today is November 13. And I remembered seeing plenty of pills still in the bottle at home.

I didn't say anything to her at the time, but when we got home I went and counted the meds left over and there was well over a week's worth. So I asked her again (because we just went through this yesterday when trying to find a reason for the seizures after six months of none) if she had forgotten or skipped any pills. This time she admitted to missing a couple of morning doses when she was running late and didn't want to go back to the house and miss the bus. So I pointed out that there was more than a couple of morning's doses left in the bottle. And then I asked the question that really brought out the reason for the seizures. I asked her if she stopped taking the Keppra on purpose because of the side effects and she started crying and said, "Yes."

There you go. I didn't fuss at her too much because I can totally understand her reasoning. She doesn't like who she is on Keppra. She doesn't like the mood swings or the irritability or the altered personality. I can understand that. She also went on to tell me that she thought the epilepsy was gone because she "didn't feel it anymore." Again, I can understand that mentality.

I did, however, point out that she didn't feel the seizures because for once in her life the medicine was controlling them. Not that they were gone, but that the meds were working. I also took the opportunity to ask her if being a more agreeable person over the last couple of weeks was worth the last two days (and future few days) of unstable seizures, muscle soreness, and an altered routine. And she said no. I told her that she was nearly an adult and that she needed to help take responsibility for her health and that included making sure that she took the meds that regulated this disease. Not until she began to feel better, but to maintain her good health.

And then I went to my room and cried for her, because this is her struggle.

Seizures :(

I got a call from the nurse at the high school today. Kels had a seizure in the middle of her advisory class. From the sound of it, it was a doozy, too. So I drove like a maniac to get there. As soon as she saw me she began to cry and said, "I thought I was done with this." It broke my heart. My heart wanted this to be her cure. I knew that it wouldn't be, but I wanted it for her. We knew going in that the surgery would improve her quality of life, but most likely would not eradicate all seizures. And it HAS improved her quality of life. She went six months without a seizure. Six months. Beforehand she would have trouble some days going six hours. My conscious brain knows that this was for her benefit.

My mom's heart, though? It breaks for my baby.

Enough?

When do we become "enough"?

Pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, etc? I have struggled with this in some capacity my whole life. Sometimes this struggle has hit me pretty severely. At one point, the anxiety related to this crippled me so badly that I sought counseling at the urging of my wonderful husband because it was affecting our brand new marriage. I couldn’t go out in public with my handsome husband because I was constantly comparing myself to those women around us who had the gall to eyeball him in front of me. And of course, I wasn’t enough.

All growing up, I always heard that whatever I had earned, made, won, (insert word of your choice here) wasn’t enough. I could do better! I was an honors student all the way through school, top ¼ of my class all the way through college. But you know what? It wasn’t enough. My “A” could have been an “A+”. Simply being good at whatever my chosen sport was wasn’t enough. If I played, I had to play to win. Games weren’t just for fun; they were tough competition (see play to win comment). I remember being told that no matter how good I was at something, there was always someone around the bend waiting to take me down, who was better thanme. And then, when I finally left home and married and got out to where I could find myself as an adult, I married a controlling man who told me I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, blonde enough (I could quote quite a few hurtful and abusive things that had been said to me over the thirteen years of that marriage) and as a result, the permanence of my insecurity was born.

As a Christian woman, I know that our value is not found through the eyes of others, but through the eyes of God. He created us, we are enough for Him. My Christian mind knows this; my worldly mind doesn’t. Our pastor delivered a great sermon this past Sunday on this very topic, using the Song of Solomon as his background. While we’ve been taught that particular book teaches us how a marriage should be, the pastor came at it from a different direction – as the bride of Christ, this is how He loves us and thinks of us. Our wrinkles and our rolls don’t matter to Him. He loves us no matter.

But how do we equate that to living in the day-to-day world? How do those Christian women around me get such a better handle on this than I can ever seem to? Why can’t I get past this particular struggle? Why, at the age of nearly 40, can’t I find comfort and security in my own skin? At times, it’s an issue that affects my marriage and, even though I strive for it not to, my girls. I DO NOT want my young women to grow up with this kind of mental anguish.

I have a wonderful man who loves me for who I am, not what I “could” be. I have three beautiful, young, Christian women. I have a great life. I have a great God that oversees it all. So tell me, when will I feel like I’m enough?

Thoughts, Beauty, and Pirates

I'm sitting here watching my wonderful hubby browse through each and every station getting the latest election coverage. Personally, I don't really care who wins. I did vote; I did my civic duty; I cast my vote for who I thought to be the lesser of two evils. That being said – the state of my life doesn't hinge upon who sits in the Oval Office. My tomorrow will look the same as my today, no matter who wins because my life is governed by a higher power.

This past weekend was not only Halloween, but it was Homecoming for my girls' high school. Only Kate went this year. She was beautiful! As a mom, sometimes I am so proud of my girls for no other reason than they live and breathe. Sometimes I am proud of what young ladies they are turning into. And sometimes, like this weekend, I am proud that they are beautiful on top of everything else.

The other two went trick or treating around the neighborhood. One as a renaissance princess and the other as a pirate. LOL. A pirate who isn't used to wearing dresses and kept hitching up her drawers all night long.

1000 Words

Riding the Roads

Kate has been strongly hinting (okay, outright begging and pleading) for Driver's Ed classes. She's 15 and itching to be mobile. I have never personally been in the car with her, but my wonderful hubby and my dad have let her drive a few times in controlled situations. So last night, as we are pulling to our driveway, she asks if she can drive me around the block. Taking both of us totally by surprise, I said okay, pulled over and let her behind the wheel. This is when hilarity ensued.

First, she took at least 2-3 minutes to very carefully adjust her seat. And the mirror. And the seat again. Then the side mirror. Then she looked at me expectantly and I said, "Wagons Ho!!" I got the withering teenage look for my trouble and we were off. At 5 miles an hour. On the left hand side of the road. I laughed a little and told her she should probably get back on the right side and she willingly obliged. As we came to the "U" part of our street, we saw one of our neighbors standing in the road talking to another neighbor. As we're creeping around the curve (3 miles an hour for the turn), I plaster my face to the passenger side window, mouth "help me" and start beating my chest. They are laughing so hard that even Kate begins to laugh. We get all the way around to the entrance of our driveway again and I had her stop and told her to turn on her left turn signal. At that point she panics a little and says, "Oh, I don't know how to do that," and I tell her to just push the little stick on the left side of the wheel. So she begins to switch the stick up and down and up and down to make it blink. At that I totally lost it and began to laugh hysterically. I told her that these new-fangled blinkers were automatic and she only had to push it down once for it to blink.

I told her she could go around one more time and so she increased her speed to nearly 10 miles per hour (woo doggies!!) and as we get the curve again, Mr. Neighbors are grinning and ready for us. In unison, they take a HUGE step off the road into the lawn and cover their eyes. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. We made it safely home where Kate declared that it was fun driving with me, more than she expected.