The Final One

Today is Kels’ last high school ARD meeting. When I was mentally going through my schedule in the shower this morning this particular appointment hit me like a ton of bricks and I began to cry. This is a milestone, you know. There were points throughout the last few years where I had serious doubts as to whether or not this beautiful, young woman of mine would get the opportunity to “walk the stage” for her graduation. Oh, no doubt – I always envisioned her with a bright and productive future. Always. But high school graduation didn’t play a part in it – possibly a GED or an alternative certification. But a high school diploma? Not likely when the surgeries were coming as fast and furious as the seizures. Or when most of every year of high school has been missed due to health issues associated with a diagnosis of epilepsy such as hers. In just a few short months, however, my daughter will proudly walk the stage, take her hard-earned diploma and move on to the next stage. And the final step begins with today’s ARD to ensure that she can stroll proudly to that moment.

Mom

Wow – what a long time since my last entry. So many things have happened.

My mother passed away on September 15. By the grace of God, I happened to be able to see her the night before and tell her how much I loved her. By all accounts, I should not have been there – I had no plans to go up, but Dad had mentioned that he was concerned because mom had stopped eating and drinking a couple of days prior. I told him that I would try to drive up on Monday after work, but Kelsey ended up having a seizure early Monday morning, which meant that we had to drug her up to prevent clusters. Because she was all drugged up, I stayed at home with her on Monday. When she woke up, I decided that we would drive to see mom and dad; I will forever be grateful for the Spirit that led me to do so. Once I saw her, I knew that we only had hours left with her, so I badgered my sister into coming to see her since she hadn’t planned on driving up for quite a few weeks. I very baldly told her that if she wanted to see mom alive again, she needed to come that day.

Long story; short version – we all told mom at some point on Monday that we loved her very very much and that it was okay for her to let go and run to God – that we would miss her, but that she didn’t need to worry about us. And you know what? She did. She let go and she ran with all her might to the One who could heal her and make her whole. She ran to the One that has to hold us now and comfort us in our loss. She ran and ran and I believe that as He met her on her journey to Him, she felt good and whole and well for the first time in many many years.

VNS

Kels had the VNS placed yesterday. Today she is very, very sore and in a lot of discomfort. Just last week our neuro called to see about placing her on a clinical trial for a new drug, but since she is nearly 18 I had to let her help make the call. You see, she couldn't have the VNS AND do the trial at the same time. Her decision was to have the VNS; she KNOWS that this is going to work for her. And I pray to God that it does.

Struggles

I find myself in a place in my spiritual life right now that I am not comfortable with. While I have never really struggled with my faith, per se, I find myself in a season where I feel so removed from God. I know that He is there; I know that He is continually beside me, but I just don’t feel Him right now. I have long wondered where my gifts are; what am I supposed to be doing for the kingdom? Why aren't I more fired up?

This is one of those subjects that I am not comfortable talking about. We were always taught to pray for others, not yourself. Intercede for those around us, but carry your own cross and handle your own load. In addition to those old ways of denominational teaching that I just can’t seem to shake, I always feel bad asking for help or prayers on my own behalf because I always feel as though my problems aren’t bad compared to those around me.

But I’ll share something else – I’m tired. I am mentally worn down and it is affecting me spiritually and physically. Between worrying about my mother, who probably won’t live to see the end of the year, and my daughter, I'm stretched thin with daily worry. Combine that with a full-time job, full-time grad school, upcoming legal issues, and just regular day-to-day life being a wife and mother – it gets a little tough emotionally some days.

The thing that bothers me most, though, is having never been in this kind of situation before – I don’t know how to make it better. How to I regain that closeness? How do I re-affirm my faith and love for my Father? I read, I pray, I talk to Him, but my heart just isn’t behind it right this moment.

Not Always an Adventure

Kels has had some difficulties over the last few months, migraines, increased seizures and auras. Yesterday was her six-month neuro visit and at that point we were told outright that Kels will ALWAYS suffer from seizures. She is one of those few epileptics with intractible seizures that no treatment will work. Out of the four modes of treatment for her (drugs, diet, surgery and the VNS) we are only left with the VNS. Kind of her last, best hope.

Her initial consult with the ENT surgeon that will place the device is Monday. She is so very hopeful that this will help, and so am I. It is so hard to watch my child go through this. She is a young, strong, faithful, beautiful, Christian woman and handles her disorder so well. She very rarely gets down, doesn't have many pity parties -- just sucks it up and keeps on living. She is so brave and very much my hero and inspiration.

What a Week!

This week is the TAKS here in Texas. Not only are we dealing with the multiple outbreaks of swine flu with the resulting school closures, our kiddos are dealing with the TAKS. Kels is not a great test-taker and she stressed herself into a seizure in the middle of her math TAKS, poor baby. I don't know if there is a tried and true way to get her to "de-stress" so this doesn't happen. Let's face it -- life is stressful.

On other news, I had a Pampered Chef party this evening. I began this day with 12 confirmed guests, but ended up with five. Those things happen. I know -- I used to be a consultant.

It's getting late so I'll post more later.

Driving

Kels and Kate both got their permits last week and I know consciously that the only way for them to become good, confident drivers is to drive. Oh. My. Goodness. Fear. Of. Death.

I let Kate drive home from school the other day and in-between the bouncing back and forth between the white lines of the lane; the curb checks anytime she turned right (our tires are fine, thank you very much), and the fact that she took out Kels' bike when she parked in the garage -- I wet my pants (although it doesn't take much to accomplish THAT some days).

Tonight I let Kels drive around the neighborhood before taking them to driver's ed and she not one time crossed over 15 miles per hour. She came about six inches from each and every car parked on the street. But the funniest thing was that every time she would turn a corner, she would take her foot off the gas, brake a little bit and nearly go in reverse for going so slow. It just killed me. And the kicker -- the over the top comment? As she was rounding the corner for home, she took her foot off the gas, coasted v-e-r-y slowly around the curve (about negative 2 miles per hour) and stated, "Wow -- I think I should have slowed down for that one." Heh.

Everyone pray for me.

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY!!

Seventeen short years ago I welcomed my precious baby, Kelsey, into this world. After losing my first pregnancy in a very late miscarriage, Kelsey was my own miracle. All of a sudden, I had a little buddy stuck to my right hip (her hip of preference – thank you very much) everywhere we went. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with her for her first two years and I enjoyed it very much.

Kelsey has overcome so very much in her lifetime that most adults never have to endure. She has proven herself over and over to be such a strong, resilient, child of God – full of hope and anticipation regarding her future. Over the last seventeen years I have laughed with her, laughed at her, worried over her, prayed over her, hurt and wept for her.

Kelsey is not just my daughter, she’s my hero. Happy birthday, baby!

Good Weekend

It’s been a good weekend – not too much drama, not too many emotions and/or hormones running amok, and all the sick ones slowly getting better. We spent the day at church and then cleaning up some at home. I’m gearing up for a long work week, trying to get things ready to be gone for a few days. My work doesn’t stop just because I’m out of the office, it just piles up while I’m gone. My mother-in-law is coming to stay with the girls while we’re gone. LOL – the last time that we had to have the wonderful hub’s grandma stay with us, I ended up with a reorganized kitchen, two new junk drawers (in place of my “lid” drawers) and for some reason, she had cleaned out the pressed flowers and herbs that I had in between some of my cookbooks’ pages. This time, it’ll be my wonderful mother-in-law, who loves these girls to pieces. I doubt very seriously that they’ll even be home often because she likes a good excuse to go out to dinner and shopping. And, of course, my girls oblige her.

School is beginning to kick my butt again. Writing comes pretty easy to me except when I HAVE to write. And writing dry, uninteresting papers on dry, uninteresting subjects is like poking myself in the eyeball with a toothpick. It’s painful to say the least. Gotta go – gotta write – gotta graduate soon.

Cakes, Cakes and More Cakes

We've got cakes on the brain here at the old casa. I made a three-layer chocolate cake for a friend's birthday party tonight and Kate took advantage of the leftovers to make another zebra pattern cake. The best compliment of all was, "Where did you buy that cake?" LOL. Below is also a picture of my poor baby with bronchitis. She was tolerant of my trying out my new camera on her (captive in my bed).