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About two months Kait got her license to drive. She is a VERY cocky and over-confident driver and she knows it all -- doesn't like suggestions or ideas for improvement. So. I offered up a little friendly bet -- if she had a fender bender in the first year then she buys me a week worth of Sonic drinks. If she doesn't, then I pony up the drinks.

Cut to last Friday. I am sitting in my room around 6:00 in the morning and I hear this odd noise from outside. My first thought was, "Huh, that didn't sound good," but never dreamed it was related to me in any way and I figured if it was the girls, they'd come back in, right? No. About five minutes later the front door opens and Kels walks in carrying a license plate, complete with holder and hanging bolts. I don't recognize the plate number right off (just added a new car to our family a few months ago) and so I ask Kels, "Hey! Where'd you get that plate?" And her terminally blonde response was, "In the driveway." I know that I had a puzzled look on my face because she followed that up with, "But the good news is that no one was hurt?" By this time it had dawned on me that my teen had run over someone's car. So I ask the logical question, "Who did she hit?" To which Kelsey replied, "You."

That child had backed right down the driveway without ever looking to see if there was anything behind her and careened right into the front of my jeep. Well, I turned into the typical angry mom once I figured that everyone was okay and ranted and raved a little about being careful and always looking around you and how they needed to LISTEN to us when we give them instruction because we might just KNOW a little something that they don't because of our "seasoned" age and experience. And I knew that I was getting a little out of control, so tried to tame myself down, leaned in and gave her a hug and whispered in her ear, "I would like a Rt. 44 Diet Dr. Pepper, thank you very much!!"

Delinquency

I KNOW my posting is spotty, but life sometimes interferes. It's been a bad week here at the old casa de seizure. Kels is on a new anti-depressant and I believe she is having some interaction with it. I have put a call in to her new psychiatrist and we will see about changing or adjusting.

I am in school right now and one class that I have this semester calls for a live, oral presentation -- subject of our choice. My choice (of course!) was seizure disorder (got to talk about what you know, right?). More specifically, depression rates in patients with seizure disorder. Even though epilepsy is one of the most common neurological disorders, it is very poorly recognized. People with epilepsy, especially Kels's kind of intractable epilepsy, have a nearly 30% higher rate of depression that any other disease group, including cancer. Sometimes I believe that all the "extra" things that come with a diagnosis of seizure disorder are much, much worse than the seizures themselves.

Yesterday's meltdown was bad -- probably one of the worst I've seen in her yet. Quite frankly, it scares me. I can deal with the physical part of seizures -- I've dealt with it for years. Losing my daughter mentally is something that I don't know how to fight.

My Best Christmas Cookie Recipe

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink... whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mishmas!

Burnout

This is just one of the many daily reasons I think I need a new career closer to home:

The Final One

Today is Kels’ last high school ARD meeting. When I was mentally going through my schedule in the shower this morning this particular appointment hit me like a ton of bricks and I began to cry. This is a milestone, you know. There were points throughout the last few years where I had serious doubts as to whether or not this beautiful, young woman of mine would get the opportunity to “walk the stage” for her graduation. Oh, no doubt – I always envisioned her with a bright and productive future. Always. But high school graduation didn’t play a part in it – possibly a GED or an alternative certification. But a high school diploma? Not likely when the surgeries were coming as fast and furious as the seizures. Or when most of every year of high school has been missed due to health issues associated with a diagnosis of epilepsy such as hers. In just a few short months, however, my daughter will proudly walk the stage, take her hard-earned diploma and move on to the next stage. And the final step begins with today’s ARD to ensure that she can stroll proudly to that moment.

Mom

Wow – what a long time since my last entry. So many things have happened.

My mother passed away on September 15. By the grace of God, I happened to be able to see her the night before and tell her how much I loved her. By all accounts, I should not have been there – I had no plans to go up, but Dad had mentioned that he was concerned because mom had stopped eating and drinking a couple of days prior. I told him that I would try to drive up on Monday after work, but Kelsey ended up having a seizure early Monday morning, which meant that we had to drug her up to prevent clusters. Because she was all drugged up, I stayed at home with her on Monday. When she woke up, I decided that we would drive to see mom and dad; I will forever be grateful for the Spirit that led me to do so. Once I saw her, I knew that we only had hours left with her, so I badgered my sister into coming to see her since she hadn’t planned on driving up for quite a few weeks. I very baldly told her that if she wanted to see mom alive again, she needed to come that day.

Long story; short version – we all told mom at some point on Monday that we loved her very very much and that it was okay for her to let go and run to God – that we would miss her, but that she didn’t need to worry about us. And you know what? She did. She let go and she ran with all her might to the One who could heal her and make her whole. She ran to the One that has to hold us now and comfort us in our loss. She ran and ran and I believe that as He met her on her journey to Him, she felt good and whole and well for the first time in many many years.

VNS

Kels had the VNS placed yesterday. Today she is very, very sore and in a lot of discomfort. Just last week our neuro called to see about placing her on a clinical trial for a new drug, but since she is nearly 18 I had to let her help make the call. You see, she couldn't have the VNS AND do the trial at the same time. Her decision was to have the VNS; she KNOWS that this is going to work for her. And I pray to God that it does.

Struggles

I find myself in a place in my spiritual life right now that I am not comfortable with. While I have never really struggled with my faith, per se, I find myself in a season where I feel so removed from God. I know that He is there; I know that He is continually beside me, but I just don’t feel Him right now. I have long wondered where my gifts are; what am I supposed to be doing for the kingdom? Why aren't I more fired up?

This is one of those subjects that I am not comfortable talking about. We were always taught to pray for others, not yourself. Intercede for those around us, but carry your own cross and handle your own load. In addition to those old ways of denominational teaching that I just can’t seem to shake, I always feel bad asking for help or prayers on my own behalf because I always feel as though my problems aren’t bad compared to those around me.

But I’ll share something else – I’m tired. I am mentally worn down and it is affecting me spiritually and physically. Between worrying about my mother, who probably won’t live to see the end of the year, and my daughter, I'm stretched thin with daily worry. Combine that with a full-time job, full-time grad school, upcoming legal issues, and just regular day-to-day life being a wife and mother – it gets a little tough emotionally some days.

The thing that bothers me most, though, is having never been in this kind of situation before – I don’t know how to make it better. How to I regain that closeness? How do I re-affirm my faith and love for my Father? I read, I pray, I talk to Him, but my heart just isn’t behind it right this moment.

Not Always an Adventure

Kels has had some difficulties over the last few months, migraines, increased seizures and auras. Yesterday was her six-month neuro visit and at that point we were told outright that Kels will ALWAYS suffer from seizures. She is one of those few epileptics with intractible seizures that no treatment will work. Out of the four modes of treatment for her (drugs, diet, surgery and the VNS) we are only left with the VNS. Kind of her last, best hope.

Her initial consult with the ENT surgeon that will place the device is Monday. She is so very hopeful that this will help, and so am I. It is so hard to watch my child go through this. She is a young, strong, faithful, beautiful, Christian woman and handles her disorder so well. She very rarely gets down, doesn't have many pity parties -- just sucks it up and keeps on living. She is so brave and very much my hero and inspiration.

What a Week!

This week is the TAKS here in Texas. Not only are we dealing with the multiple outbreaks of swine flu with the resulting school closures, our kiddos are dealing with the TAKS. Kels is not a great test-taker and she stressed herself into a seizure in the middle of her math TAKS, poor baby. I don't know if there is a tried and true way to get her to "de-stress" so this doesn't happen. Let's face it -- life is stressful.

On other news, I had a Pampered Chef party this evening. I began this day with 12 confirmed guests, but ended up with five. Those things happen. I know -- I used to be a consultant.

It's getting late so I'll post more later.