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Saturday, September 18, 2010


I have to forgive myself for not being a better parent. I know that parents everywhere have their regrets, and I'm not saying that my regrets are bigger than others. BUT.

As with most families that have a child with special needs, whether mental, physical, or medical, the attention during times of crisis turns mainly to that child, with the understanding that they need you more right then. Over the last ten years, especially when I was a single mother, it seemed as though all my waking attention and concern was focused on Kels. I know that Kate and Cam are great and well-adjusted girls; however, I feel like I let them down in some way. There were days of tears and tantrums when Kate desperately needed her mom to just stop and love, but I couldn't. There were days that Cam took more care of herself than I did, I just couldn't be available because of being on seizure watch and after-seizure care. That regret is something that I'll probably carry all the way to my grave.

There's an amazingly inspirational blogger that I read pretty frequently - Anissa at Free Anissa (link to her blog in my sidebar). Quick background, one of her children was diagnosed with cancer and the family went through treatment. She wrote a post titled "A Letter of Apology to My Kids." While Kels doesn't have cancer, but chronic and severe seizure disorder instead, her words pretty well sum up the way I have felt lots of times over the last 18 years. Take a minute and read, you'll gain a whole new insight into the mind of a mother with a child with special issues.