Tag Manager

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Lessons Learned

Well, as you know we've been on seizure watch here at the ole' casa. There have been no more seizures since Wednesday, however, there have been frequent auras, which are little seizures in and of themselves. It's been a hard lesson for Kels, but one that I think she's learned well. The paralysis lasted nearly two days and because she bit her tongue all to pieces, it's been hard for her to talk and eat. I hate that she is suffering, but maybe it was for the best.

We're waiting to see that the meds get control again – seizures, auras, and all. If there's no control, then I can up her meds a little to gain it. She's been requesting that we keep the baby monitor on at night for just in case. And if Kels wants it, then we do it. She missed school last Thursday and Friday and as a result, lost a binder and a book in the shuffle from the classroom to the nurses' office so she's behind some in her classes. She was on the prayer list at church and there were tons of people asking about her this morning. She nearly bugged out of going to church because she knew she'd have to face people, but she did well answering their well wishes and how are you feelings.

It's been a long week. Next will be better, I know.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Our New Family Motto

Reason for the Seizure Season

I took Kels to the doctor this morning to rule out any infection that might have caused the seizures yesterday. Nothing. She has an acute case of sinusitis (as always – she is the allergy QUEEN!) but nothing else. We had some prescriptions for other meds to drop off, so while I was at the pharmacy, I asked for a print-out of all of Kels' meds from June so that I could update the copay sheet for the ex. I noticed with only half of my attention that the last time we refilled her Keppra was October 11. Huh. Today is November 13. And I remembered seeing plenty of pills still in the bottle at home.

I didn't say anything to her at the time, but when we got home I went and counted the meds left over and there was well over a week's worth. So I asked her again (because we just went through this yesterday when trying to find a reason for the seizures after six months of none) if she had forgotten or skipped any pills. This time she admitted to missing a couple of morning doses when she was running late and didn't want to go back to the house and miss the bus. So I pointed out that there was more than a couple of morning's doses left in the bottle. And then I asked the question that really brought out the reason for the seizures. I asked her if she stopped taking the Keppra on purpose because of the side effects and she started crying and said, "Yes."

There you go. I didn't fuss at her too much because I can totally understand her reasoning. She doesn't like who she is on Keppra. She doesn't like the mood swings or the irritability or the altered personality. I can understand that. She also went on to tell me that she thought the epilepsy was gone because she "didn't feel it anymore." Again, I can understand that mentality.

I did, however, point out that she didn't feel the seizures because for once in her life the medicine was controlling them. Not that they were gone, but that the meds were working. I also took the opportunity to ask her if being a more agreeable person over the last couple of weeks was worth the last two days (and future few days) of unstable seizures, muscle soreness, and an altered routine. And she said no. I told her that she was nearly an adult and that she needed to help take responsibility for her health and that included making sure that she took the meds that regulated this disease. Not until she began to feel better, but to maintain her good health.

And then I went to my room and cried for her, because this is her struggle.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Seizures :(

I got a call from the nurse at the high school today. Kels had a seizure in the middle of her advisory class. From the sound of it, it was a doozy, too. So I drove like a maniac to get there. As soon as she saw me she began to cry and said, "I thought I was done with this." It broke my heart. My heart wanted this to be her cure. I knew that it wouldn't be, but I wanted it for her. We knew going in that the surgery would improve her quality of life, but most likely would not eradicate all seizures. And it HAS improved her quality of life. She went six months without a seizure. Six months. Beforehand she would have trouble some days going six hours. My conscious brain knows that this was for her benefit.

My mom's heart, though? It breaks for my baby.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


When do we become "enough"?

Pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, etc? I have struggled with this in some capacity my whole life. Sometimes this struggle has hit me pretty severely. At one point, the anxiety related to this crippled me so badly that I sought counseling at the urging of my wonderful husband because it was affecting our brand new marriage. I couldn’t go out in public with my handsome husband because I was constantly comparing myself to those women around us who had the gall to eyeball him in front of me. And of course, I wasn’t enough.

All growing up, I always heard that whatever I had earned, made, won, (insert word of your choice here) wasn’t enough. I could do better! I was an honors student all the way through school, top ¼ of my class all the way through college. But you know what? It wasn’t enough. My “A” could have been an “A+”. Simply being good at whatever my chosen sport was wasn’t enough. If I played, I had to play to win. Games weren’t just for fun; they were tough competition (see play to win comment). I remember being told that no matter how good I was at something, there was always someone around the bend waiting to take me down, who was better thanme. And then, when I finally left home and married and got out to where I could find myself as an adult, I married a controlling man who told me I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, blonde enough (I could quote quite a few hurtful and abusive things that had been said to me over the thirteen years of that marriage) and as a result, the permanence of my insecurity was born.

As a Christian woman, I know that our value is not found through the eyes of others, but through the eyes of God. He created us, we are enough for Him. My Christian mind knows this; my worldly mind doesn’t. Our pastor delivered a great sermon this past Sunday on this very topic, using the Song of Solomon as his background. While we’ve been taught that particular book teaches us how a marriage should be, the pastor came at it from a different direction – as the bride of Christ, this is how He loves us and thinks of us. Our wrinkles and our rolls don’t matter to Him. He loves us no matter.

But how do we equate that to living in the day-to-day world? How do those Christian women around me get such a better handle on this than I can ever seem to? Why can’t I get past this particular struggle? Why, at the age of nearly 40, can’t I find comfort and security in my own skin? At times, it’s an issue that affects my marriage and, even though I strive for it not to, my girls. I DO NOT want my young women to grow up with this kind of mental anguish.

I have a wonderful man who loves me for who I am, not what I “could” be. I have three beautiful, young, Christian women. I have a great life. I have a great God that oversees it all. So tell me, when will I feel like I’m enough?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Thoughts, Beauty, and Pirates

I'm sitting here watching my wonderful hubby browse through each and every station getting the latest election coverage. Personally, I don't really care who wins. I did vote; I did my civic duty; I cast my vote for who I thought to be the lesser of two evils. That being said – the state of my life doesn't hinge upon who sits in the Oval Office. My tomorrow will look the same as my today, no matter who wins because my life is governed by a higher power.

This past weekend was not only Halloween, but it was Homecoming for my girls' high school. Only Kate went this year. She was beautiful! As a mom, sometimes I am so proud of my girls for no other reason than they live and breathe. Sometimes I am proud of what young ladies they are turning into. And sometimes, like this weekend, I am proud that they are beautiful on top of everything else.

The other two went trick or treating around the neighborhood. One as a renaissance princess and the other as a pirate. LOL. A pirate who isn't used to wearing dresses and kept hitching up her drawers all night long.