I find myself in a place in my spiritual life right now that I am not comfortable with. While I have never really struggled with my faith, per se, I find myself in a season where I feel so removed from God. I know that He is there; I know that He is continually beside me, but I just don’t feel Him right now. I have long wondered where my gifts are; what am I supposed to be doing for the kingdom? Why aren't I more fired up?
This is one of those subjects that I am not comfortable talking about. We were always taught to pray for others, not yourself. Intercede for those around us, but carry your own cross and handle your own load. In addition to those old ways of denominational teaching that I just can’t seem to shake, I always feel bad asking for help or prayers on my own behalf because I always feel as though my problems aren’t bad compared to those around me.
But I’ll share something else – I’m tired. I am mentally worn down and it is affecting me spiritually and physically. Between worrying about my mother, who probably won’t live to see the end of the year, and my daughter, I'm stretched thin with daily worry. Combine that with a full-time job, full-time grad school, upcoming legal issues, and just regular day-to-day life being a wife and mother – it gets a little tough emotionally some days.
The thing that bothers me most, though, is having never been in this kind of situation before – I don’t know how to make it better. How to I regain that closeness? How do I re-affirm my faith and love for my Father? I read, I pray, I talk to Him, but my heart just isn’t behind it right this moment.